On becoming whole

A little bit longer and I’ll be fine.

I don’t know how many times the thought of disappearing crossed my mind this month. I’ve already tried several times to write this post, but I couldn’t find the right words. Though tonight everything seems to be so easy and clear. I have a list of things that I could write about that would perfectly portray this month. From unspoken words and feelings that I wasn’t able to communicate, to unsend letters hidden somewhere in my messy bedroom waiting to be sent across the globe and the people I’ve met, those I’ve been missing dearly, and those I have crossed path with but never really met yet. 

There is a pile of memories I thought I had forgotten that surfaced like open scars to remind me that they are a part of me and I will carry them wherever I go until I die. Only then, they will vanish and disappear like they’ve never existed. It’s ironic how everything feels like autumn these days, except I’m not melancholic. It’s more like I’m on hold, waiting for something, stuck in space and time, watching the world from above. From where I stand, everything makes so much sense now that I’ve carefully collected and put my own pieces together and I’m looking at the bigger picture. Like God on the seventh day, I’m looking at myself and there’s a feeling of satisfaction mixed with gratitude that I can’t grasp for the moment. 

Autunm is not over yet, the leaves are falling and as the wind blows, it carries me to the end of me.  

Tonight my heart beats, I’m whole again. 

— Tumtitu

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