Finding solace

One day, everything we’ve ever lost will return to us and the world will be whole again. 

I haven’t written anything in a few weeks. I think I lost my words. 

Sometimes, the world just seems to fold itself before my eyes, leaving me behind, on my own with my own mess and those heavy feelings to carry. It leaves me breathless when I try to cry out for help, it leaves me hopeless when I try to cling to what makes me the most alive. I dwell in my own misery, I hide in my own darkness, I find comfort in my own solitude. And when those lonely nights have passed and turned bright, I find myself standing in the light as if nothing happened. You’ve heard that before, haven’t you? We all share the same story, only the protagonist changes. Sometimes it’s you, but tonight it’s me. 

I’m still learning that what hurts today will eventually heal, and the people I miss will return to fill in the void –probably not as I want them to, perhaps they will reappear briefly like flashes or fragments of memories when I less expect it, in different shapes, colours, sounds or whispers to comfort and remind me that nothing is ever lost. It’s a devastating insurance, a hard promise to live by and believe in. But as long as the world keeps spining, life will repeat itself and I will continue to live and experience the same things over and over again. 

It’s not fair. Because it means I constantly have to be prepared for the worse, and get my heart ready to handle the pain. That’s not a life to live, but the choice is not mine. When the world closes itself before me, forcing me to face the emptiness of my own existence, all I can do is stand still and wait for it to unfold and welcome me back, arms and heart wide open. 

I don’t remember who said “to live is to learn how to die”, but I begin to comprehend its meaning now. Every day is a small death. Perhaps, finding solace is simply being aware of the futility and vulnerability of life? I know without a doubt that the things I long for aren’t promises I can stick to, they’re some kind of roads I drive through and leave behind as I continue my way to the wonder. And as I go, I learn. With every sunrise and every sunset, every cracked smile I encounter, every memory I make along the way, every goodbye, I learn. 

Tonight, as I was driving through the highway, I took a wrong turn and found solace in the most unexpected place. I am now standing still at the edge of a cliff, waiting for the world to unfold, wondering if it’s time for me to return home.  

— Tumtitu 

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