Life: Reset — a quest of meaning

I’ve learned that pain never goes away; it just turns into something else.

I think I’m just trying to cling to what makes me the most alive. I assume it’s not easy for anyone to be here. Sometimes I feel like Sisyphus in The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus. Life is just a vicious circle and it feels like I’m not going anywhere, that every step I’m taking leads me to a dead end and the only option I have is to turn back and start over again. Yet, starting over feels like jumping out of the window without knowing if I’m going to fly or smash myself to the ground. It’s risky, terrifying and painful. The thing is, I don’t think anyone is strong enough to endure whatever life throws at us on a daily basis, nevertheless, I’m still fighting to survive, sometimes against others, but most of the time against my own self. And every day, without even realizing it, I’m overcoming myself. Little by little, by winning small victories. 

There’s a lot of things that happen with no explanation and I will (if I haven’t yet) live and experience things that will break my heart and complety transform me. It’s funny how the more I let myself break, the more I find the courage to get back up. Isn’t it weird that we have to go through pain and heartbreak in order to catch sight of our strength? 

I’ve never been prepared for this life, I’m always questioning my existence and the purpose of all of this. I’m on a quest of meaning, forever changing and shaping myself. Sometimes I grow, sometimes I shrink; it’s an unending work in progress, an everlasting metamorphosis. I guess I will never find the essence of life and that’s okay because the day I will finally lay hands on who I am, everything else will follow. Truth, happiness, love, peace —everything I’m looking for is already within me and there will be a day I will unfold and reveal myself to the world. Until then, I will continue to fight for better days and a brighter future. 

— Tumtitu

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